THIS

“You want to say my life is about THIS
This single thing is the point of my existence
Everything else hangs from that.
I climbed Mount Everest.
I dropped bombs in Desert Storm.
I took a rocket to Mars.
My life consists of the moments leading up to THIS
And the moments that followed.
But that isn’t how it works for most of us.
Life is a continuum –
Things are not especially interesting –
Except to the participants.”

Those were the opening lines to your autobiography,
Read like spoken word shared between us,
Conversations we never had and never will have.
You may not feel like there was a THIS in your life,
But as we mourn and pick up the pieces you left behind,
My life stretches out in the aftermath of THIS.
Every moment since your diagnosis lead up to THIS.
Three months ago, THIS is the time you left.
Since THIS, every experience is inexorably linked to a post-you era.

But it’s so lonely looking for signs that THIS is not over.
Nothing hints at your spirit watching over us.
I peer into the dark rooms you used to inhabit,
Yet no specters stare back at me.
I follow the trail you walked every morning,
But no winds whistle your tune.
Time stretches on without a care
As I desperately attempt to prove that THIS is not the end.

Once Again

Can thee come too often to Thy mercy seat?
With broken spirit dragging filthy feet.
By now hath Thine love run dry?
Thine face turn away and bid thee die.
What can be done for such a wretched soul?
When evils within never let go.

Yet through the forest Ye stride!
Ye see me though I dost hide.
Thou bear me up with Thine mighty arm!
Whispers how I shan’t see harm.
Thou bidst me away to lasting peace!
Truly, Thine unending love dost not cease.

A Sexual Sonnet

I’ve never stabbed an innocent man – yet
I hope that all of you can say the same
But I’m a betting man, and I would bet
That some of you have conquests to your name
Triumphant feats, I’m sure, but don’t tell me!
I’ve never really felt that kind of drive
But though you think I’m broken, leave me be
“It makes us human!” …I still feel alive
And stabbing too – it’s such a violent act
It’s visceral, it’s personal, it’s fun?
“Plus, everybody does it! That’s a fact!”
Please, understand it’s not for everyone
So, while you chase the thrills of the apex
Just comprehend I’d rather not have sex.

Moonless Planet

I feel like a moonless planet floating around in the abyss of space,
Amongst the planets with moons in a crowded solar system,
And I’m awaiting the moment a rogue asteroid,
Collides with me in space and takes me by surprise,
And becomes my little moon.
Floating along with me through space and time,
For eternity.

Lonely Tree

Planted all alone,
Unable to move about,
This spot remains home,
Just a lonely little sprout.

Many plants around me,
Unable to get too near,
I’m feeling unhappy,
Being alone is what I fear.

As I begin to grow,
I can start to see,
That even through snow,
All are closer to me.

When my leaves start to whither,
And my trunk is not as strong,
my friends can’t move hither,
But I feel I do belong.

Before I fade away,
I look at all my friends,
Farewell, they all say,
Let us all make amends.

Heart Beats

Badump
No heart, no life, yet beats still sound
Conscious thoughts still fly around
But hate and fear so strongly lay
That voids in death no longer stay
A warmth so lost to time forgot
To think there were some feelings bought
Long alone imprisoned love
Painful choices forced above
Though false our fates seem to feel
This dream we live must be real
Badump

Hostage

Who is here? None, no one like me, but I am,
Cold stone, sore bones, alone I contemplate my fate.
Why am I here? In the dark heart of Vietnam,
All alone, all alone, left in my despairing state.
To the one light I cling, the candle’s ring,
Keeping me, reminding me, my hope is there.
But it is dimming, into the shadows it is dimming.
For my dancing memories I grasp, yet they fade into air.
Till just a stub is left I cleave to the light, the dying ember,
They must come, but it has been so long, so long.
Do they remember? My name – do they remember?
Nobly I fought, gallantly I fell. So long, so long.
Then to the Lord a desperate cry I shout,
As blows the weeping wind my candle out.

Too Late

The flower that flowers once a year
Novelties, yet eye’s desire for snow
Lasting labor of nature so sincere
Oh fleeting flower how would you know
What’s gone is what’s wanted more.

The vampire who fears not death
Fears also nothing but the willing
Of a purpose to each breath
Maybe eternity brings the misgiving
And lacks the luster of living.

The child so impatient life lingers
“One day” she seems to whispering
She counts on little baby fingers
Her life is a game of play pretending
Pretend she too is not living dying.

The man who dies with goodbye eyes
Regrets waste living life left behind
Regrets the brevity superfluous lies
Do not be too late to find
Utterly intrinsic value of time.

Text Never Sent

How should I start?

How have you been?

Remember that one part…
We were just children
Lost in our ways
Free of our sin

Maybe it was just a phase
But I want you to know
You’ll always have my praise

Yet I have to let you go
Because we were never meant to harmonize
Even with our frequent glow

You used to be someone I idolize
But now I try to forget
Because I now realize

Even if it’s meant
Sometimes words are better off stuck in the heart
…a text never sent

The Love Paradox

I want you, but I don’t need you
It’s a feeling that confuses me through and through
I crave your presence, your touch, your kiss
But I know I can survive, without you in this

I want you by my side, to share my days
But I’m strong on my own, in my own ways
I don’t need you to complete me, that’s true
But with you, my life becomes brand new

I want you, but I don’t need you
I know my life won’t be askew
It’s a desire that I can’t explain
That brings me some pain

So I’ll cherish the moments we get
Because they’re so hard to forget
But even without you, I won’t be lost
I’m just glad that our paths crossed

I want you, but I don’t need you
Yet I find myself knowing that isn’t true
My life is complete, but missing a component
I hope it can be you, even for just one moment

Parking Lot Puddle

The crushed gravel beneath tires waking from their slumber
The cigarette butt snuffed beneath the boot
The napkin inked with a girl’s number
Now crumpled and covered in soot
 
Forgotten
Disregarded
Left behind
 
Right near the entry it lies
Torn up by each passerby
Unintentionally fueling their despise
But expectations it tries to defy
 
Built from brokenness
Flooded with the tears of the sky
It answers with openness
 
Although filled with gunk and grime
It reflects oil’s rainbow hue
Lasting only for a little time
But long enough for you

Speeding Ticket

Officer,
I know the answer that you want to hear
But to simply tell you that would result in yet another lie
And honestly I am trying to avoid a traffic jam of lies
 
Truth is,
I was just following the doctor’s orders
What is it?
Well, I have asthma
It’s a medical condition I swear
But I will say
Not the kind that comes from running too much
Or jumping too high, or swimming to hard
It’s the kind that comes from wanting to say no, but saying yes
In wanting to say yes but only ever eking out a faint “No”
The immense tight-chested feeling of being silenced
Where despite my best effort to change my trajectory life is sending me on a crash course without an air bag
And the term “objects are bigger than they appear” in the rear view mirror of life is an understatement
It’s the type where absolute frustration has but one cure
An inhaler
It’s active ingredient: my foot on the gas
Where the feeling of my back slowly getting pressed against the seat alleviates the elephant that life has assigned to standing on my chest
And
Where the screaming of the engine, is sign that in this car someone exists.
A real actual person
 
And sure it’s reckless
It could kill me
But then again I have been dying a slow death for quite some time
 
I need feeling a thousand horsepower
To make me feel a little less powerless
 
I need to white knuckle grip the steering wheel to feel,
For a moment like what I do right here right now matters
 
To lose traction under my wheels for a brief moment so that I can be reminded of what it’s like to not be stuck
 
To be so focused on what’s ahead that I can temporarily be free from what’s behind
 
Concentrated intently on not dying
That I might, just maybe, have something worth living for
 
So officer,
Sure I suppose I was speeding
Phew
And it never felt so good to breath

Green Envy

The Wind meets my pimple-pocked cheeks
And The Sun dries my chlorinated hair.
The Rustlign toward the mountain peak
Is either a stream or The Branches of trees.
I haven’t figured out yet.
My ears are shot
From headphones on to block out
The Sounds of nature manifested in humans.

I am sitting and I shiver
Though it’s warmer than it has been.
I shake in awe of The green Expanse
That The Hornet who keeps bothering me
Gets to enjoy more than two days a year.

And as I pick The calcified Moss off my pebble chair
Which beats picking scabs off my face
Or skin off my thumbs
Or polish off my nails
I am jealous of The Bugs and The Birds
Who, uglier than me,
Still get to enjoy this perfect love.

Visitants

a shuffle
a sip
two thumbs
two sticks

One back the other not
a buzz, and everything,
Stops.
But nothing was Moving anyway

How can one stop
If they never started

Only in this time period of course.

I tell myself id like to think
that everyone started at some point

I think that makes me egotistical
Mabey.

Aparaitions

Camouflage bodies parallel to seatbacks
contain corpses with brains

Some electrical sparks, messages sent
Thousands of miles an hour

Some not, some energy used
      Some energy held
      They do not compare

Dull blank dead eyes
      Is it because its morning.

It wont be soon enough to matter now

Unfortunately.

Disheartened

Small weights hand on the
skin under the eyes

right now it provides something
Aluminum holds a wet heat and the

with only ⅔ of the ambiance its
perhaps a moment too much

but it does the job nonetheless

the subject is not empirical, thankfully.

Time passes.

I only write in the moment
Its about i do not trust myself to reflect.

Forevermore

To the intoxicated monster howling at the moon
Cease your wretched and haunting tune
Your cries consume the darkness of the night
Brittle, so frail, And just in spite
Your nightly audience shrouds themselves behind the clouds
So that they may rest through your rumbling growls
And as that Brightly burning dawn begins to break
Your voice, once strong, now begins to quiver and shake
It is the weariness you’ve felt each night before
And it is the weariness you will feel forevermore

She is

She is the hand through your hair, the rustling in the trees
She is the hush in the forest during a winter’s freeze
She fills your sails on a mirror lake
She is the cool kiss on your cheek that you wish you could take
She always takes the road less traveled by
She keeps her own course up there in the sky
She is the ripple in the broken crystal stream
She is the creaking of the old, dark, wooden beam
She is a whisper at your window in the still of the night
She is the force behind the storm’s fervorous bite
She is the spirit of the sea, sky, and land
And it is this land, her land, for which she stands

I Have OCD

I don’t clean my room every day.
I don’t rip out my hair.
I don’t count the steps or cracks,
But the right foot always goes first.
I am not perfect, but I am particular.
 
I closed the door four times
I plan my schedule out by the hour
I rewrite my to do list seven times
I drive. Only me.
I closed the drawer four times, didn’t like the sound or the feeling
I rewash my sheets at 3 am, because I don’t like how they feel
 
Did I lock the door? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes
Did I lock the door? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes
 
The sound the window has to make when it closes
The three bottles of Myers Lavender All Purpose cleaner in the trash
The color and season coordinated clothes
The way I drove past the garage twice to see if it closed
The damn packing cubes in my luggage that take up even more space
The way I need to hear my feet hit the ground when I walk
The hundreds of dollars on storage and organization containers
The certain level my gas tank has to be on
The way my hands will be raw from washing
The way events must be planned three weeks in advance
The way my face bleeds after picking for hours
The way my water bottle must be empty or full
The way my body shuts down when I can’t find my things
The way I never feel clean
 
Did I lock the door? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes
Did I lock the door? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes
 
The little white candies at 8 am every morning with bananas and coffee
Just to make me normal, to feel normal, to seem normal
 
This poem feels incomplete.
It doesn’t feel good enough.
What did I miss? Where did I go wrong?
I’m not a perfectionist, but it doesn’t seem right
Or maybe it’s those three little letters that describe me
I don’t know I’ll probably think about it later tonight
Because it keeps me up at night
 
Did I lock the door and wash my hands?
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know

Her

The darkness envelops the soul,
Like a North Dakota night.
Mental health takes a toll:
I fight with all my might.

Lit only by dull flame of a candle,
I struggle to find a glimpse of light.
Drown my anxiety in a handle,
Butterflies just from her sight.

Analogies and metaphors soothe my mind.
Would tell her my feelings but maybe its better
To leave Schrodinger’s cat in the blind
Out of fear that I’ll upset her.

I chase her like a shot of Heroin
Conversations get me so high
Irreplaceable by a substance,
My heart breaks at every goodbye.

A fear of rejection keeps us apart,
Or maybe together?
I’d do anything to win her heart,
Except talk to her…

Moth

Desperate: not for you but for someone.
My dark world aches for a splash of sun
And yet, I chase fun with you
Like a moth attracted to lamp of dull hue.

As I sit and idolize your hollow glow
The true beauty of the world I’ll never know.

But can one really blame a starving rat,
Who perpetually reaches towards a promising trap?
For in my world of sorrows,
Poison is the only reason that I live for tomorrow.

Maybe I’d rather die with a zap,
Than be a cold and timid soul.
For a quick ending within a trap,
Is better than a life painful and dull.

Roses

Roses are like people,
They come in all shapes and sizes,
They are layered, beautiful, and colorful,
They are mysterious, and have thorns,
But no matter their qualities,
Their beauty cannot be ignored

All Beauty Must Come to an End

The day I held your hand was the best day of my life.
To see your perfect face,
Your immaculate smile,
Your deep brown eyes,
Then to have you torn away from me,
To people who will give you no love,
All beauty must come to an end.

His love gave me hope,
Marking the start of an eternal journey.
Holding hands with the love of my life,
I thought I would soon be alright.
But then he too was ripped away from me,
All beauty must come to an end.

My happiness was once abundant,
My family was once complete,
My love for life endured,
Then the beauty became obsolete.
All beauty must come to an end.

Yesterday

I thought yesterday was the time of my life
When we laughed and joked without a care
And I would look into your beautiful brown eyes
Feeling a sense of warmth in the air.

In those moments time would stop
Feeling everything and nothing
For moments like those could never be topped
At least, I thought they were something.

But as the days passed more and more
Those moments started to dwindle
The warmth of the past was over for sure
Once I learned your life was sinful.

You left me to die a lonely death
When you decided to betray me
And I felt my life becoming a quest
To find out who would finally save me.

I thought we meant more
Than to leave the other broken and enslaved
But I guess I’m just a fool
To think you would leave flowers on my grave.

Everything I know is a lie
And you can’t do anything to win me back
Because in your beautiful brown eyes
All I see is a hideous rat.

I hope what you did was worth it
And you feel all the satisfaction
Knowing you broke my trust
And got to see my painful reaction.

I’m beginning to feel warmth again
Knowing you’re part of my past
But only because that means
That yesterday will never last.

That One Night

Walking in that night
I knew I’d be the sight
Of sore eyes
I was the one who changed
While everyone else
Stayed the same.

They’ve been miles apart
But somehow from the start
People loved them
And I’ve been here
Sitting in the clear night alone
I should’ve known.

People only love those like them
Those who figure out you win in pretend
I guess I’m just the one without a clue
We are all made of stories
But people don’t care if they hurt you.

I’ve got this pearl necklace
I wear every time
I think I you
I had it on that night
When I became the fright
It’s true.

I walked around wondering
Why it always goes wrong
Everyone else is dressed up
And I know I don’t belong.

People only love those like them
Those who figure out you win in pretend
I guess I’m just the one without a clue
We are all made of stories
But people don’t care if they hurt you.

They were talking
Their bickering and laughing
When I finally decided to leave.
And when they turned around
All I see is shades of blue
And I knew the world’s message
Was finally coming through.

People like them never truly win in the end.

This Sleepless Night

I saw the way you looked into my eyes
With hopelessness and pain.
I promise I won’t bother you anymore,
There’s nothing left to gain.

The greatest pain I’ve felt
Was seeing your scarred face,
Because I knew it marked the end.
It’s okay, I know you’re in a better place.

I’m sorry I couldn’t carry the weight of us both.
But to the sky you ascend,
With all of life’s pains dwindling fast,
Thank you for being such a great friend.

There’s no one to turn to now.
How am I supposed to say goodbye
When I’ve known you my entire life?
Now you won’t even be here
To see me spread my wings and fly.

I can’t believe you’re now just someone
Who is under a stone,
Without a soul to keep me alive.
I guess I am just better off on my own,
Because then I don’t have the pain
Of losing someone
I loved more than myself.

Accepted

Accepted
Do you feel accepted?
I noticed you sniffing around for approval.
Does it result in instant gratification?
Temporary satisfaction
What about with all your emotions packed in?
Do you still get that same sting of satisfaction?

So who will you decide to be?
When you remove your mask it is truly much easier to see.
Step down from your high shelf
Go and start looking for your true self.

Banners

Standards
Your heavy, stupid, standards
Do you have a permit to hang them up everywhere like banners?
They are everywhere
In every store and in every shop
Hidden in the alleys and in far down valleys

When I feel I am at peace, they return once again
When I feel my outfit looks swaggy, you say it’s too baggy
I didn’t ask for your banners to be hung up around me all they do is crowd me.

These standards remain unburdened by time, ever evolving
There is no escape from the burdens, they hang above me
They tie my hands in a tight knot up over my head
I ought to replace this know it is utterly uncomfortable
Everyday I tug and I tug at this knot that hangs above me

Your standards
Your heavy, stupid, standards
Wrapped in a pink bow, of course you would stoop that low
But still, I strain no longer in vain, no I strain in power
I strain forwards and my hand escapes
I am free to wave and use as I please
I find a sharp edge to plunge into your banner, your standards.

I reach, and I reach but I look up to see your pink bow still grasping the part of me
Please just let me escape, I can no longer endure your death grip
Its time to let this bow rip
This bow
Your banners
It lies shredded to pieces a beautiful pink mess
Because yes, I find beauty in the imperfection, rather than your standards of perfection

Your perfection
It spreads like an infection
Oh, I cough, and I spit, because it makes me sick.

No, I will never be the one that says totes but whatever floats your boat, right?
Except you can’t float because your boat is caught in some object, no longer progressing forward
Underneath it lies a banner, your standards, intwined into your rudder
No, I can’t even studder or mutter, because it goes against your standards.

My manners
No matter the fact that I tried my best, I failed to pass your test

But hey, do you like this hat, or my hair?
What about that chair, or this vest?
I understand we all long for a connection
But do not be led your own imperfections
Please do not be a fool and take part in something only because it is labeled “cool”.

Every time I lie to rest, right there underneath my chest is a clump
When I check underneath my mattress
There lies a banner cut up in chunks.
Oh, these banners they spread even faster
They are hung up in our schools, our churches
Hidden in societies perches.
Why do we need these banners?
Are you unable to accept me as I am?
What about Pam? Or Sam?
I try to highlight my individuality and you continue to penalize me

I am here shot down, draped in your disappointment
Someone, anyone, you please get me some ointment.
They say, “Do you know what they expect of you?”
My response is, “Well, maybe you should change your point of view”
These standards I haven’t met
What do you not get?
I will not be controlled
Or patrolled
No, I unfold, and I choose instead to be bold.

We are not ordinary, and that is simply extraordinary.
These standards they don’t really matter, they are all just pitter patter.

My Comfort Zone

Propelled into the limelight
Pushed out of my comfort zone
I have to do this.

I tried to join their small group of smiles
I attempted to join the conversation of laughter
I felt my efforts were in vain
I strain to look normal
I hope their eyes do not notice my discomfort
I have to do this.

I put on my best smile.
I gather the courage to give a hello and goodbye
I sit off to the side, feeling more at peace
I cannot always live at ease
I have to do this.

I walked out there and carried some conversations
I hope my words are received in the best way
Is there anything else I should say?
I have to do this.

I sit there, absorbing the joy that was released into the air around their glee
Maybe I should ask a question?
What question, what answer?
I appreciate their efforts and try to return the favor
I have to do this.

I have returned to safety
Away from their bombardment of kindness
Should I have said this instead of that?
Will they think I am weird for going this way instead of there?
I had to get out there.

I am drained of all my energy
I had used up every ounce of my reserves
I hope I stayed me.

As I said those words
When I laughed at their jokes
I hope I stayed me, even as I tried to outwardly show my own glee
I hope I stayed me.

I had to get out there
But sometimes I wish to become unseen
Yet still I feel as a light beam is shining down on me
All the eyes and expectations projected on to me
Propelled into the limelight, forced out of my comfort zone.
I do not wish to be only alone
I try my best to socialize

I wish to find my own eyes
To see and speak
Without the thoughts that latch on to my mind
I hope to show the real me

Me.
I am filled with glee
I am awkward
I am funny
I am nervous
I am shy
But I am confident
I have words I wish to share
But I have to get out there.

Smile

Your smile.
I can see your smile.
I think.
Even though sometimes it is hidden behind your stone-cold face.
I can see your smile,
It is like a warm embrace.

Your smile,
I think.
I think you are afraid of what others will perceive
What will they think of the small white shapes that hide in the cover of your lips.

I saw you and your eyes were sad, but your smile was wide.
The lines of your cheeks became a curtain to expose the wonder of your smile.

Your smile.
In the darkest of rooms creates the brightest of moods.
In the meanest of crowds your smile becomes an angel shining down.
Your smile is an anchor
It is always there to keep them steady
Even though right there beneath the ship you stay digging yourself into the depths of the ocean.
Your smile is strong.

Your smile is contagious.
In my most red or green times, even when I am feeling blue,
I can always depend on you, your smile.

Your smile is beautiful.

A Morning We Will Never Forget

Day like any other, cool winter morning,
kids still asleep, adults preparing to start working
And not a care in the world except
It was the morning the war had begun.
 
Why are they fighting us?
Because we exist.
As women and children fled,
Men stayed, and many came back.
 
I need ammunition, not a ride
Declared our leader.
Our identity is at stake,
Our future is on the line
 
But fear not, my compatriots.
The truth is on our side
And through thick and thin
Our spirit will not crumble.

Behind the Camera

We set the light
So all is right
For the subject of the picture

We frame the pose
But no one knows
Or cares who’s behind the camera

Capture the moment
And please don’t ruin it
With tears, smudge up the lens

We are just flies
Insignificant in the eyes
Just planets orbiting ‘round

The subjects, the sun
To them, not worth one
Thought or care in the world

We live to entertain
The subjects, in vain
They just don’t want to see us

So we stand behind
The camera we hide
The pain, the fear, the sorrow

We’ll stay right here
Our place is clear
Behind the camera, where we belong

Skin

Our body
Our skin
Tells the story of our life

The good
The bad
A lifetime of strife

Freckles
Shadows
From days in the sun

Pink outlines
Of scars
From falls on a run

Constellations form
Delicate
An intricate design

Like ice
From a skater
Elegant lines

History can be ugly
And yet
Still it’s true

And sometimes
It is beautiful
What your skin says about you

Behind

Sometimes I’m reminded
Of the version of me
That got left behind
When I left
The person still standing
Alone
In the airport
Now
When I go back
I feel the presence
Of the person I used to be
Remembering
The way they functioned
How they navigated life
Sometimes I’m grateful
That the person I was
Didn’t get on the plane this time
But I did

At the End of the Dark

Do not fear the dark
Is what we are always told
But they never give us a reason
Why we shouldn’t
Everything we fear
Lives there
How could we not fear it
We don’t have to
Because
While the things we fear
Live in the dark
Every darkness meets its end
And a new light begins
With the rising of the sun
Touching the earth
Every inch
With its shining fingers
Running them
Over the scars of the dark
Allowing them a chance
To heal

Coals

Beautiful souls
Rise from the coals
Searching for people who need them

Healing their hearts
Mend broken parts
Damaged by their troubles

Hearts on fire
Walking on a wire
Someone needs to put out their pain

They come with the water
Before the temperature gets hotter
To soothe and cool the burns

Then they walk away
Words they’ll never say
To the souls that caught their fall

They are left behind
Alone with their mind
As the others walk ahead

Now the beautiful souls
Who have played their roles
Look out across the landscape

Watch the others walk
They laugh as they talk
Knowing they’re finally free

Their duty is done
The battles were won
So where will the souls go now?

The beautiful souls
Return to the coals
Waiting to rise again

Adrenaline

Rippling vibrations catch my skin awry; I think I’ve become some sort of genius with entire worlds encapsulated within the confines of my skull… I cannot fathom the entirety of the universe, for my mind would implode, but all this adrenaline might put me in an early grave anyway.